That’s what I’ve been doing today… reflecting.
About why I always feel so strongly that I have to do the “right” thing. All the time. That’s a lot of pressure, ya know?
About why it drives me _so_ crazy to be misunderstood. I know that my intentions are (and were) good; I’ve tried to communicate that. Shouldn’t that be enough?
About what the “real” issues are… sure, we have specific things we are arguing about, but what’s behind it all? What is it really about, and why is so upsetting?
I tossed and turned all night- over a conflict that WEEKS old now- and then decided to write Girlfriend a long, articulate, as-nice-as-I-can-muster-without-kissing-her-ass email.
Then I sent to Seester, to see what she thought. (Bitch never called me back.) (It’s like she had better things to do- like go to work!- than read a lengthy email. The nerve!)
At first, I totally intended to send it. Now I’m leaning towards not.
In writing it, I feel much more organized in my thinking and much more clear about it all. I can feel the brain cells settling down a bit, easing back into a comfortable hum instead of the lather I had them in yesterday. I feel calmer, less edgy.
So maybe I don’t need to send it. Perhaps writing it was enough.
So, now I’m reflecting on my intent in writing it. And what my intent would be if I sent it. And what my intent is overall.
Actually, that last one is easy: my intent is to maintain a good relationship with my father. But I’m not sure where to go now with his girlfriend. I’m not sure how to handle someone who has so much influence on my dad, and who also thinks I suck. Well, not only that I suck, but that I suck ON PURPOSE.
I’m still reflecting on that one.
(My Curious-George-underpants-clad, Mardi–Gras-bead-wearing, yogurt-tube-eating little Marin is doing a whole different kind of reflecting today. Frankly, I like her version better.)
(Tree is coming down soon.)