Tired

Here’s the thing about being tired all the time.

It really sucks.
Well, that part is a no-brainer, I’m sure. But yet, I feel like I need to express it. Because it sucks. So much.
I don’t know if I’m still anemic or have CFS or dying of some other malady altogether, but I’m still soooo tired alllll the time.
I wake in the morning, and I’m tired.
I power through breakfast, getting-ready-for-school routine- still tired. I make and drink coffee. Still tired. Take Marin on errands, to playgroup, park her in front of the t.v. Still tired.
We eat lunch. By now, I’m exhausted, from fighting The Tired all morning. Some days, I can barely pull something out of the fridge for Marin to eat for lunch. The fatigue is weighing my arms down, allowing me to think only about laying down. I sit there, willing her to eat faster, aching for my bed.
I put her down for a nap and, quite literally, collapse. I cannot move for even one more second- The Tired has completely consumed me. It has won.
I sleep. Usually I sleep so hard I drool. And have dreams. Often it takes me a second to remember where I am when I wake up. I don’t sleep for long, lately. Maybe 30-45 minutes. When I wake up I am still tired, but I feel renewed enough to fight The Tired for awhile again.
I start watching the clock. Three comes around much faster than I ever thought it would before having kids in school. I start giving myself a pep talk. Today, I will be present when they get home. We’ll do something fun even! I’ll make them a hot snack!
Tick, tick, tick. They should be home any minute now. I can feel The Tired starting to gain on me. I’m still fighting though. I drink a glass of water, hoping that today I’m feeling low on energy because I’m dehydrated! I just need more fluid! And I’ll feel better!
My body starts aching, asking me to sit down, to lay down.
The kids are home, and I have big smiles for them; I ask them about their day. The snack I was going to whip up didn’t happen, but they are fine with fish crackers. I remember something about a fun project? But it’s all fuzzy now, as I’m more and more tired. Instead, we settle in front of the t.v. I doze a little. Or I bring out the laptop to help keep me awake.
After resting with the girls for awhile, Marin wakes up. I help her get a snack. My energy is better now, since I was so still for awhile. I start thinking about dinner. I tell the girls to turn off the t.v. We work on their homework or their spelling words while I cook. I’m so glad I took a nap today. On days when I don’t, I am so exhausted by dinner time that I sometimes weep in despair.
David is almost home now, and I start to feel victorious. I made it through another day, and soon the children will be in bed and I can just be still. I actually have the most energy in the evenings… perhaps knowing I won’t be fighting against exhaustion helps me feel relieved. No more conserving energy.
I spend the evening doing “my” things: catching up on DVR’d shows, messing around on the internet, reading. David works on his computer Every. Night. But it’s ok, because I don’t have the energy for conversation.
When I go to bed, I usually fall asleep instantly. I sleep hard, have few problems with going or staying asleep. However, when I wake in the morning, I will still be tired.
+++++++++++
Some days are better than described above. Some are much worse.
I know this may sound like depression. But it’s different from that. I want to do things, I plan to do things, I look forward to doing things… but I just don’t have the energy to do the things I desire.
It’s not just a sleepiness that overcomes me. It’s a whole-body exhaustion. My mind can be awake and active and planning and getting excited and looking forward… and then my body refuses to cooperate.
I’ve been to the doctor. I’ve had blood drawn. I’m going back, will hopefully leave with more answers.
But for now, I’m tired. And it sucks.
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10 thoughts on “Tired

  1. Devan- I've been taking iron since May. I noticed a small improvement after I started taking it, but no continuous improvement. So, either I'm still anemic for whatever reason, or something else in going on.

  2. I'm so sorry! I haven't felt that awful since I was nursing a newborn baby every two hours all day and night. I think for someone to be sleeping eight hours a day, and even napping, and STILL feel so tired, has got to be some kind of health issue.I so hope it's one you can get figured out! It may be the most acknowledged fact in the world, but yes, you're right- being tired SUCKS. Not being able to enjoy anything or accomplish anything because you're trying to just stay awake SUCKS.

  3. This is so upsetting! This is not RIGHT, man! I mean, of course you KNOW that. Oh, I really hope you can get some help soon. Do you take Vitamin D? It's cheap and lots of people (like ME) think it helps a lot with fatigue. I take 7000 IU/day, and I live in TEXAS, where we actually have sun.Keep us posted. I am so sorry you and your family are dealing with this.

  4. I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. I am tired too, but not in that "need to lay down" way. Mine is more of a "yep, not going to do anything because it's just too much work" tired and that just doesn't fly well with 4 kids. And you're one step ahead of me because I have the blood orders, but still haven't gone to have my blood drawn. I hope you get answers (and share what you've found out!)

  5. Oh honey pants. 😦 I know precisely what you are describing, but mine was attributed to Rheumatoid Arthritis. I hope something pops up in that blood work. SOMETHING! I am sure you are doing a million things to combat – but the one thing that helped me through was completely omitting caffeine back then. I still have to do this occasionally when I feel I "need" it to become alert, thus keeping coffee as a treat. I'm sure the last thing you need is "advice" – I am hoping for you and your lovely spirit that you get an answer. Love you! T.

  6. You are so clear. This is not depression or sleep apnea. This is physical exhaustion. Something is UP. I hope you get some answers, though I often think mainstream medicine has it's head up it's collective ass when it comes to things like this. But you need some answers. Because this is just NOT fair to you.

  7. That sounds exactly like what my mother described before finding out her thyroid was seriously malfunctioning – she's taken daily meds for it since and it is no big deal now – but she would sleep nine hours at night, be awake just long enough to get my younger brother off to school and then sleep for two or three more hours. Her doctor finally agreed that it wasn't normal!Good luck!

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