How It Happened

So, how did it happen that David changed his mind? I’m not even 100% sure I know, but I’ll do my best to relay the story here.

I think what happened was that during the time between when I made the appointment and the day of the appointment, I was grieving “the end” of our child-bearing, and David was finally realizing just how much I really wanted this.  So while I was all set to move on, to move forward, he was quietly reconsidering his position.

I make decisions fairly quickly.  I may sleep on something, and I’m in tune with my gut feeling, but usually after a day or so I can confidently DECIDE.  And that’s for bigger issues; for small things, I can usually make decisions on the spot.  David, however, is a deliberator.  While I’m “ripping the band-aid off already,” he’s slowing working the topic over in his brain.  Over and over he turns it, day after day, week after week.

So while I “ripped the band-aid off” by scheduling that appointment, he was slowly, S-L-O-W-L-Y,  rethinking his stance.  We talked about it a great deal during this time, so I knew he was softening a little, but I also wasn’t going to allow myself to get too hopeful. Self-preservation, etc etc.

In our case, making that appointment for him was the right decision, because otherwise David would deliberate over this for MONTHS and MONTHS longer.  I made that appointment in a desperate attempt to just move on,to stop the exhausting and futile hopeful/disappointed cycle every 28 days,  but I can see now that on a subconscious level, I knew that he’d never decide if I didn’t force him.

So as the days ticked closer and closer, it became more and more real to him that we were really going to be done.  He was/is honestly fine with being done, but he began to see how much I wasn’t fine with it.  He basically decided that it would be best for me and for us if we went ahead with Number Four… because if we didn’t, I would mourn it for years and years.  Whereas if we had a fourth, while he might not be Jumping With Joy excited, he’d obviously love and cherish another child.

This was something I’d explained to him, over and OVER, but he didn’t fully understand it until the Date was Imminent.

So when there was freezing rain that started promptly 2 hours before his appointment, followed by snow that started promptly at  the hour of his appointment, it was obvious that he shouldn’t drive 30 miles to Bigger Town for it.  And when he gently asked me if he should reschedule, I told him I didn’t want him to… and he agreed.

I should be over-the-moon jumping with joy, but I’m not really.  I’m happy.  I think.  Most of the time, at least.  But I’m also feeling very cautious and weird about it all.

I’m sorry if this is all disjointed.  I’ve written and deleted this stupid post all day long.  It’s just that this is all… complicated, complex…. many-layered.  I feel like I’m either repeating myself or contradicting myself or BOTH.  It’s just such a multidimensional issue, and my feelings about it are just as complex.

Also, I apologize if this seemed really out of left field.  I’m not going for drama or attention over here; it’s just that I *thought* he might be softening his stance but I also wasn’t willing to get excited/hopeful.  And I certainly wasn’t going to write much about it, just in case.  And I was getting mixed messages:  for example, David called to reschedule the appointment, but if he was really changing his mind, why bother?  Why not call and cancel instead?

Finally, commenter Kate said it perfectly yesterday:  If you’re used to compromise and “everyone is happy” solutions, it can be difficult when mutual decisions are made mostly for your sake. It’s like you keep having to ask, “are you sure it’s okay?” And then you feel responsible for any possible repercussions.

Yes!  That’s it exactly.  It’s just so… odd that we’re making this decision for me.  I feel like if we DO get pregnant, I’m responsible for making it a Good Experience At All Times.  Which.  Wow.  That’s a lot of pressure.  (And it’s self-imposed pressure, because it’s certainly not something David expects.)

Anyway, I hope this all makes a little more sense.  Again, I’ve been so uplifted by all of your kind and encouraging words, and I always feel so much better after writing about this, even if I’m having trouble getting my thoughts rattled out into sentences on a screen.

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