An Appointment to Erase Hope

For David

Tuesday, November 23rd

10:45 am

Dr. P.

I need to move on, yo.

 

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “An Appointment to Erase Hope

  1. Oof…I’m sorry. But, I think you said earlier that if this was done that it would be easier for you to deal with. So I’m hoping for that for you. It still sucks, though.

    • Not sure at all. Farthest thing from being sure that there is. But I’m sure I don’t want to keep wishing/hoping/imagining a pregnancy that will NEVER BE, month after month. Put a fork in me, I’m done, ya know?

  2. WHAAT?!?!? I had gotten the impression that there was still hope, still discussion, still potential for changing of mind? This seems so sudden (to me, who has no clue what’s really going on). I’m so sorry.

  3. Oh, WOW. Whoa. This is so…big. Gosh. I hope this brings you the peace you need.

    Feel all of our arms around you, because we all care about you and know how wrenching this must be for you.

  4. Oh MAN. This seems so… DEFINITIVE, given that the two of you aren’t on the same page about this. But I hope that it will provide the closure that you need to start to move on. Still. OOF.

  5. Okay, then. I hope this helps you move on. I hope this doesn’t make Thanksgiving a huge emotional mess. I hope you know I’m thinking of you… tough stuff…

  6. I hope it is a decision that you came to together.

    When I was really ticked at my hubby about the whole family size thing, I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because I didn’t want another baby with him anyway. What I left out was that I was keeping open the option of having a baby with someone else. So there is always that. (BTW, a baby with someone else really isn’t an option for me, but I was really mad at the time)

      • So what if there WAS someone else? And you got pg? Would you break up your family to have that other baby? Or lie to your family to have that baby? Or? Just things I’ve pondered in my anger.

      • I always think of it realllll fuzzy of course, OF COURSE, it’s not what I would WISH—but that if Paul were to leave me, or to die, THEN I would want MY options open to have a baby with someone I might then meet. Not that I have many years left for that, but IF. Which is why our Permanent Solution will involve HIS parts and not MINE. (Plus, if he left me for someone else, and then had a baby with HER, I would die from rage. So: HIS parts.)

    • Well, that’s why this is said in anger, because it’s obviously flawed thinking. I think I’ve said it because it’s one way to express how VERY MUCH I want another- enough to risk all the things you said- the logistics are a NIGHTMARE. And since David knows how committed I am to THIS marriage and THIS family and THESE children, saying something like that is… out of character. So, as I said, it’s meant to express how desperate I feel.

      Also, our Permanent Solution will be on his end… I can’t shut down my baby-gateway. Even when we’re done… I just can’t.

  7. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

  8. Oh girl. I am thinking of you and wishing I could come over with a gift basket, or wine or something.

    I hope you are doing okay with all this.

    GAK. DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

  9. Even when I WANTED my husband to have a vasectomy, I didn’t really WANT him to have a vasectomy. So I can’t imagine how hard it must be to contemplate this decision when you want another so badly. 😦

  10. He’s not going to change his mind, you guys. And I’ve grieved enough months of babies-that-will-never-be. I am broken thinking about it, but I’m MORE broken every 28 days when I’m not pregnant.

  11. I have 1 daughter that the dr says is a miracle. She will be 1 on Christmas Eve. We are planning on talking about trying for a second after dd is 1. I handle the bills in our house and know we cannot afford another child. The stress of our finacial situation would be too much. Everybody says “you will find the money”. They don’t look at the bank statements and write the daycare checks. I am sorry this is so hard but you have to see it from your husbands point of view.

    • I think this is often different when there’s a stay-at-home parent: daycare is such a huge expense it can make things difficult or impossible for a 2-income family, even with the 2 incomes—but with an at-home parent, the childcare cost isn’t affected by additional children.

      • I am sure the expense of having a fourth child with a stay at home mom is not 0. All the everyday expenses go up too. It is alot of pressure being the only bread winner.

      • Oh, I know, I totally get that it’s not nothing. I’m just saying that in a situation where there is already a stay-at-home parent and a working parent, an addition child doesn’t add AS MUCH as it does if daycare expenses have to be considered. It’s rare for a family with an at-home parent to be literally unable to afford another child (especially with handmedowns and Freecycle), whereas it literally CAN be impossible for a family with two working parents.

  12. I’ve been thinking and thinking about this since you posted and I just had to come back. Problem is that I don’t really know what to say. 😦 I just… you… ugh.
    So soon?

  13. We are all different. I’d want to hang onto hope as long as possible.

    My husband did change his mind. He only wanted 2. We had #3 and he said “no more”. When #3 was 8 months old…#2 was diagnosed with leukemia. When that crisis was semi-over, he took me out ( #3 was 20 months by then) and said that he knew I’d always want another and he knew that he’d love a new baby…even if he didn’t WANT it. I think that it was partly realizing the fragility of life and wanting to give me (the one he loves) what I wanted most.

    You have a beautiful family. We only get one life on this earth.

  14. No. No! I have told Paul things like, “Fine! Then go get a vasectomy, because I can’t stand this!”—but it’s like “I don’t want a baby with you anyway!” It’s like, “FINE. Have it your way. Have EVERYTHING your way!!” It’s not what I WANT, it’s a….bluff. Like, will he really go get a vasectomy, or will he say, “Wait. Let’s not be hasty,” and then I’ll know more about how he feels—and maybe it will actually change his mind when he thinks of it in terms of guaranteeing no more children EVER. And then if a pregnancy DOES occur, I can say to him, “Hey, _I_ said you should get a vasectomy, so this is YOUR fault.”

    And NOT hoping! Oh, NOT HOPING anymore! It seems like it would be the same agony but ANY TIME YOU THINK OF IT, instead of once every 28 days. I remember reading the blog of someone who wrote she feels sad every time they have sex, knowing there’s no CHANCE with it.

    It would be dumb for me to assume that you are the same as me with things like this. And I feel like it’s not such a good idea for me to come into your comments section and start PUSHING you and trying to BOSS you. So if this decision IS right for you, I hope you know you have me completely WITH you on this, and that my reaction is based in my own feelings about my own situation—rather than something I literally think you SHOULD DO based on ME SAYING SO.

    • You’re totally not wrong. At all. But every month I get so HOPEFUL… and then so sad. I feel like, in a way, I lose a baby every month. I’m so tired of being so sad about it, ya know?

    • Pretty sure that was my old (not foodie) blog that Swistle was talking about. I remember talking about it with you Swistle…and you’re right. Sad! No chance! Doom and gloom for quite awhile after the vas. And now? Now we’ve just moved into a new house with more room and he’s gotten a promotion and a raise and our circumstances have changed SO MUCH that I can’t help but wonder…would he say yes NOW? It’s been nearly 3 years and I STILL want my baby and I STILL “lose” that baby every month when I start my period because SOMETIMES vasectomies don’t work and MAYBE his didn’t quite take or it grew back or whatever and WHY AM I STILL NOT PREGNANT? So, right now I’m plotting how the heck I can get him to reverse his vasectomy since things have changed so much and YEAH RIGHT. There is no way he is dropping 10k+ on something he still doesn’t really want, but I am about 85% sure that had we not gotten the vas I’d have him ready for a baby now that we’re in a better place.

      Sorry to hijack your comments with my little sob story, I just think you should know that giving up and saying whatever, asshole, get your vas is not as easy as it sounds and it doesn’t really make things any easier. You still wonder, because you are sure to have people telling you of all their friends whose vasectomies didn’t quite take and then you wonder years later if he would be ready for the next baby if only it wouldn’t cost him 10k+ and more surgery on his boys.

      Just…be sure. Be really really sure.

  15. I know we haven’t seen all the details or heard all the conversations. I hope the decision wasn’t made (by him) in anger. Not that a resigned, sad decision agreed to by you is much better, but … maybe a little bit. Remember what you posted the other day about how lovely and easy everything is right now. Hold onto that. You have a beautiful family.

  16. I am a complete stranger. And I have only read a few posts (both from here and your former blogspot site). And I an relate a little. And I can see both sides. It’s really expensive to raise a child these days. And when you have older children and are running around for their activities, bringing another baby and getting them ready to get out the door can be stressful! Trust me!

    However, after having our #4 just 7 months ago, I wouldn’t have it any other way. My husband didn’t want # 3, let alone really #4! And it’s amazing how much love he has for them, as well as for our older 2. I’m glad he “gave in” just to “make me happy”! Our family is now complete!

    And as far as the money thing goes, I understand! My husband is finishing up his 3 year of medical school! So I’ve been the sole provider (actually longer than that b/c of his schooling he needed to go back to medical school), doing in-home daycare (leave of absence from teaching to be home with the kids while my husband is in school)! So, really, not much income. And it’s amazing how it always works out! And with help from family and friends, we’ve made it this far!

    My prayer for you and your husband is that the appt. that was made will only be followed through if BOTH of you truly and 100% agree. If that’s not the case, he shouldn’t do it! In fact, the dr. in my town doesn’t want to do it unless both parties are sure that it’s the right choice. I’m sure that it’s hard to know month after month that you aren’t pregnant. However, pray that the next baby comes on God’s watch. This may be his way of teaching you patience. Give your husband a little more time! He may come around and realize that this is truly something your heart desires.

    I can tell you that I really wanted #4! And maybe even a #5. I knew in my heart that I was NOT ready to be done having kids, even if my husband was. But now, after having our Peanut, I can truly and confidently say that I am done adding to our family. And maybe 1 more for your family will allow you that feeling, too. Maybe your husband just needs time to realize that.

    My prayers are with you and your husband! I wish you the best regardless of the decision made!

    Brandi (a complete stranger)

  17. Urgh. It is just making me sad. I wish…it were different, for you.
    and it is also making me realize how unconscionably lucky I am to be married to Mr. I Love Babies Let’s All Have More Babies.
    Sigh. Can’t we all just have more babies?

  18. I’m sorry. BTDT. I could relate so much to this series of posts. It feels surreal, but it’s easier I think. There is something freeing about the not hoping, which I know sounds contradictory.

  19. I haven’t blogged this in my own space, but husband ended up canceling his first vasectomy appointment because I had a meltdown about it. And then, 15 months later, he went through with it. And I was so much more devastated than I expected to be. It’s been 6 months now, and I’m mostly moving on (it helps that I’m 40, AND infertile, so it was always a bit of a pipe dream to have a miracle baby), but husband goes for one of his sperm-count check appointments tomorrow, and when he told me this, I was angry all over again. I thought, what, you want to be able to tell me it’s zero? You want to rub salt in my wounds? Who cares if it’s zero or NOT? Only you. Asshole.

    But I also reached the point where I just wanted it done, because he wasn’t going to change his mind, and I wasn’t going to risk my marriage or my family on the off chance that he’d turn out to be happy about another kid after all.

    I AM still angry that he turns out to be a guy who doesn’t want another kid. Like, who thinks that way? Grrrr.

  20. Pingback: Fork in the Road « Life in Tiny Town

  21. I still dream of my husband’s V failing. It doesn’t help that for me, the symptoms of perimenopause are in many ways a re-creation of the first trimester.

  22. This is why I keep EVADING the discussion. He knows HE’s the one who has to go in and that I won’t. Then I actually got off BC thinking that either it would call his bluff, or some sort of “accident” would happen. It sort of worked in that he is extremely lazy and STILL has not even called for an appointment (and he cut me off six years ago!). But he appears to know my cycle better than I do, so I am also getting sad every 28 days. I am avoiding the discussion because I don’t want to “remind” him and then call his bluff AGAIN. But I agree that if he finally got his butt in there and got it done and over with then maybe I could get some closure myself–instead of faint hopes followed by slight sadness every month.

    I wonder if it wouldn’t be so bad if he hadn’t initially agreed to four kids and then cut me off at three, so now I feel as if I have this ghost baby that he OWES me hanging out in the wings somewhere?

  23. Pingback: Cliff Diving « Life in Tiny Town

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s