I’m awake in the middle of the night (again!) (luckily for me, insomnia is a pregnancy-only thing… I have no idea how you chronic sufferers deal with this all the time!), and I’m awake because when I got up to go to the bathroom, I started listing all of the things I’ve forgotten lately. I forgot to take the girls to the play Annie last weekend, and they even tried out for this play and we all really really wanted to see it and now we can’t; I forgot to go to a pregnant friend’s mother blessing on Sunday even though I RSVP’d that I’d be there, and I really INTENDED to be there (it’s not like the time rolled around and I decided not to go; no, no, I just completely forgot until about 45 minutes ago); I forgot to pick up our CSA share yesterday, so now it’s sitting outside in this awful heat and humidity getting all wilted when it could be in our fridge (all of that yummy, hard-worked-for food!); I just can’t stop fretting about any of it.
I’ve had a headache for 2 days (not a migraine, not even a BAD headache, but a headache none-the-less) that finally went away yesterday evening, but now that I’ve been wide awake in the middle of the night, and I can’t sleep in tomorrow, I’m afraid it’ll come back. David is leaving for a short trip tomorrow, and I really don’t want him to go, and I have an appointment in a town 30 miles from here while he’s gone that I have to take all the kids to, and I worry that in this heat our van will break down on the way there or on the way back and I won’t be able to call him. And while yes, I have friends I can call, many of them wouldn’t have room in their vehicle for all four of us PLUS their own kids, and besides, what do I do with the van? I suppose call a tow truck… (This particular fear sounds silly all typed out, but I’ve been in BOTH of our vehicles several times in the past 3-4 months when they’ve stopped running, all for separate and minor things, and all things David was able to deal with on the spot.)
While I have anxiety at times, my usual nature it to be fairly calm and my usual attitude is to say “everything will work out”, so this feeling of unraveling, of things going wrong that I don’t have control over, of FORGETTING IMPORTANT SHIT (important TO ME shit, that is) (SEVERAL shits, forgotten), is frustrating.
It’s probably inadvisable to update one’s blog in the middle of the night with a bunch of insomniac ramblings, with a bunch of sentences barely strung together with any sort of punctuation and with absolutely no desire to reread those sentences and try to make them more readable, but here I am (HI!) doing just that.
Also, I’m pretty sure that baby is still transverse (sideways, instead of head-down), and at times I think baby is trying to move to head-down as I suddenly feel lots of movement in places that I don’t normally feel movement, but then by the next day I’m fairly certain s/he is back to sideways. It worries me that there is some REASON why baby cannot move and STAY head-down, even though I have no actual knowledge that this is the case.
Kate is starting to be a little more clingy and anxious (probably because she’s so damn in tune with me, goddammit, totally not fair), so it brings to the forefront of my mind the beginning of the school year + new baby, and how she will handle it all.
David has to get up at 5:45, which is a little over an hour from now, which is probably about the exact time I will fall back to sleep. Fantastic. (His alarm is more jolting than a foghorn.) (And he’ll probably hit snooze a few times.) (I’m not even sure I know what a foghorn sounds like.)
Also, we are out of fruit.